Sibling relationships can be complicated already—after a messy inheritance, they can get worse.
Josh Sheluk’s best advice to parents is to make their estate plans simple and transparent, and to communicate them clearly. But that’s an ideal scenario and not necessarily the norm, said the portfolio manager for Verecan Capital Management.
“Let me start with saying this: roughly half of adults in North America don’t have a will,” Sheluk said. “Of the half that do have a will, I’d say there’s probably a roughly even split between ones that go very, very well, and ones that have some complications or issues associated with them.
“There are often, way too often, surprises along the way or complications that arise,” he added.
Since parents are in control of the process, children might be left in the dark and potentially picking up the pieces during an emotional aftermath. The best bet for siblings is to communicate with each other—if the parents haven’t done so—especially if one child has more information.
“In many situations, you might have one sibling that is the executor of the estates, and the other is not,” Sheluk said. “So just being transparent—that other sibling is not going to have access to the same information as the individual who’s the executor.
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“Having that executor lay things out in a very transparent way, communicating along the way, showing the other beneficiaries. Saying: ‘Here is what assets exist. Here’s where we are in the process. Here’s the tax bills that need to get paid.’”
With rare exceptions, all of this information should be legally shareable. Patience with the process and each other is also a wise practice, Sheluk added, as sometimes it takes years to settle an estate.
Not all siblings get along, however, said Tracey McLennan, director of the client consultation group at Edward Jones Canada. There could be childhood dynamics and resentment that has lasted into adulthood which might come into play within the will. Siblings may even be estranged.
“I think that there’s an opportunity (to have) a bridging conversation, if you’re able to reach out and say, ‘Hey, I know it’s been years. I know that we’ve not connected, but Mom and Dad, they’re getting a little older … I’d really love to use this as an opportunity for us to reconnect and have some conversations,’” McLennan said.
Reaching out may not work for every sibling, she noted, but individuals can at least keep up on their own roles and responsibilities, including seeking professional advice.
“Making sure that you’re informed, making sure you know your responsibilities, making sure that you’ve got the information that you need, whether you’re executor or not executor, and attempting to get the outside assistance you may require,” McLennan said.
Often, settling estates require tax, legal and financial planning advice, she added.
If there’s a vacuum of information from the parents, it may be natural for children to fill that gap with assumptions or potential reasons for decisions in the will. McLennan has seen children “blindsided” by inheritances and witnessed the aftermath as siblings blame each other.
“Sometimes, if we don’t have enough information, we fill in the back story, and we might be wrong,” she said. “Sometimes we take what we receive as a proxy for love: ‘Mom loves you best. She left you the business, she left you the farm, she left you more.’”
But that’s a mistake, McLennan said, as there are many considerations that children may not realize. In her conversations with parents, they are also concerned about their children being negatively impacted by an inheritance, and they often look at other members in the family, not related by blood—such as spouses.
Ideally, parents should have communicated their intentions clearly to avoid any misunderstandings, McLennan said, but when that’s not the case, avoid the blame game, avoid relationship breakdown. Support your sibling, communicate, and keep the family together—the latter is a priority, she added.
“When we speak with parents, actually, one of the things I often hear is, ‘Regardless of the wealth, regardless of what we want to have passed on, we want to make sure that our family still can get together for the holidays,’” McLennan said. “That’s actually the most important thing.”
Despite these sentiments, parents unfortunately might not understand how their reticence to discuss their estate plans will actually play out for their children, according to Sheluk.
“I hear a lot from parents, ‘My kids get along well today, they’re going to be just fine with whatever happens in the will,’” he said.
“I think that’s totally the wrong mentality and perception to have … Money does weird things to people, especially during high-emotion times, and that can lead to your kids who have previously had a great relationship to not having a good relationship anymore.”
